Dave's Blog

The 1500 Cookie Diet

2007-12-13T10:49:00.000-08:00

Everyone I have come upon a revolutionary diet plan. Most diets ask you to forgo delicious foods and eat bland healthy foods. On top of that they recommend painful exercise. I exercise five days a week and can testify to the discomfort.

Instead of all that, let's focus on a different piece of the puzzle. Body mass, whether it is fat or muscle or other yucky types of substances burns calories. Every pound of body that you have burns calories for you every day. They burn varied amounts depending upon what type. For instance, muscle burns 6 calories per day and fat burns 2 calories per day.

Since experts seem to think that burning off calories is the key to weight loss, this tells us that adding mass could be helpful. For instance if you wanted to burn 60 calories a day or 21,900 calories per year, you would lose over six pounds just by having a little more mass.

If that idea sounds good to you, then let me tell you how to do it. You need 30 lbs of mass to burn that many additional calories. You could carry around a 30 lbs. back pack everywhere, but that would be uncomfortable and you would look like a goon. They key to get that 30 lbs. is to eat delicious foods. My favorite is cookies. Since you need 105,000 calories to accomplish our purpose and a 1/2 oz. cookie has about 70 calories, you just need to eat 1500 cookies.

After that all you have to do is sit back, enjoy the sugar rush, and watch as those six pounds melt away over the course of a year. You might even want to go to a gym or diet center and triumphantly devour your cookies while watching eveyone else suffer. Be smug. You now know the secret method. Your next challenge is deciding between peanut butter, chocolate chip, oatmeal, shortbread and so many other choices. Nowadays you even have to decide if your chocolate chip will be milk, white, dark, single origin, or bittersweet chocolate.

Enjoy the holidays.

Interesting trip to Eastern Europe

2007-10-22T19:42:00.000-07:00

Having been a Soviet & Eastern European Studies major in college (I wanted to be James Bond) I have always wanted to see Eastern Europe. I just got back from Slovakia and the Czech Republic (and Germany) and wow what a great trip.

First, don't kill the messenger for the picture of the two marzipan pigs frolicking. It is amazing the edible things that people make.

Those same skills are turned to into a beautiful watermelon flower in the next picture from the Anuga Food Show in Germany.

Look at the middle right photo. Not only didn't I know that Fidel Castro played the Tuba, but was surprised to see him in a several hundred year old beer hall in Prague.

Look at the photos again. Cannabis Vodka? I just don't know what to say.

Do you like the pasta in the bowl above? Maybe not, these are fairly bland for marinated baby eels.

We also saw quite a few castles, churches, museums, etc. This is the standard tourist fare along with eating quite a bit of pork, cabbage, and potatoes. All of this is then washed down wish beer and good company.

Take A Ride on My Flying Saucer

2007-09-21T11:00:00.000-07:00

You could hear about the innovative new pasta sauces that we are developing or the really tasty and different salsas and table sauces that we are developing, but this is even more exciting. I went for a tour of a flying saucer factory yesterday. You may not have realized that there were flying saucer factories, but there is one. It is in Davis, CA at http://www.moller.com/. Dr. Moller has been making UFO's for 40 years. He now has two main vehicles. One is an aircraft that can fly either vertically or horizontally called the skycar 400. That one will go for around $1 million when it hits the market in a few years. It is interesting because it will get almost 20 mpg and travel over 200 mph, but you can land it in your backyard. This one looks like a space age aircraft with rotating engines.

The one that you can buy right now and for which dozens of people have already put deposits is the 200G. This model will be avaible by the end of next year and will cost about $90k or so. It really could probably fly 50 to 100 feet off the ground and travel at 100 mph, but they are putting software in it so you can only fly 9 feet off the ground (otherwise they would be slogging through years of FAA paperwork). It is kind of a gas guzzler, but has a cool flying saucer look and is safe due to redundant systems and engines.

Game On - The Great Social Networking Contest

2007-09-19T15:12:00.000-07:00

Which website is better or more effective Facebook or Myspace? In order to introduce The People's Food Movement (www.peoplesfoodmovement.org) I am having a contest at Dave's Gourmet. Two of our star hip young people are competing: Laura and Greg. Over the next few days Laura is building a page for us on Myspace and Greg is building one on Facebook. Their goal is to see which page will get more people to sign up for the People's Food Movement by October 31st.

Myspace has more traffic, but Facebook may have a better demographic fit. Greg has a large base of readers on his online comic www.realifecomics.com. Laura has many online friends due to her fabulosity. Who will win? Stay tuned.

The People's Food Movement is a group that allows people to market their own fantastic food items through the movement. This gives people more control over what food is available in stores and lets big food conglomerates dictate to the masses less.

A New Kitchen

2007-09-13T10:35:00.000-07:00

Has anyone else heard all those home equity line and home loan radio commercials? They say that renovating your home's bathrooms or kitchen is the best investment that you can make. I say bollocks to that. As a former mortgage person and the recipient of a new kitchen I can tell you that this is not true.

If you research on the web, you will see the return on kitchens and bathrooms varies by geography, price range, etc., but it is almost never even 100%. This means that you generally don't even get all of your money back. Despite those statistics, I know of instances where a strategically done cosmetic fix can give you a positive return. Also, there are instances where a kitchen is so bad and such a price drag that a renovation can have a positive return.

With this in mind let's forget the statistics and say that you could get a 5% positive return. This does not factor in the enormous amount of time and aggravation that are involved. If you value your time, the return goes negative again.

You are much better taking your 6 to 12% return in the stock market or higher return on a rental property. If you want a renovated kitchen because you will enjoy it, then do it. Don't do it because it is a great investment. It is not. If you do decide to renovate, don't forget all the great new energy efficient appliances.

Where is the Sport in That

2007-08-20T17:15:00.000-07:00

I took my son fishing the other day. It sounded good to catch fish and then cook them up over a grill with fresh herbs and such. Since he's only four, I was feeling lazy, and people were counting on numerous fish for dinner, we went to a farm with a stocked trout pond. This is one of those places where a pond 15 feet across had 5 feet across of fish. It is so easy to catch fish that my four year old almost caught one with his bare hand.

I had trouble deciding if it was easier fishing there or in one of those tanks in the supermarket. The only experience like it is when I let a not so good fishing guide take us out in a boat in the Monterrey Bay and we caught over 80 fish in 4 hours. Turns out that our guide anchored us in the marine sanctuary outside the Monterrey Bay Acquarium. In a turn of divine justice he got arrested.

I don't know why it makes a difference, but it feels better when the fish has a chance to get away. It probably tastes the same either way.

Engineering the Boneless Trout

2007-08-20T16:43:00.000-07:00

I am just back from vacation and apologize for the lack of posts, but I had a great time.

It is amazing to see the march of designer food. The food scientists, farmers and breeders can make food that is less expensive, more pest resistant, higher yielding, sweeter, a custom color, etc. I don't know what this does to those of us that eat, if anything, and choose not to think about that. With the advancements in genetics the ability to design custom products is about to get much scarier.

In the spirit of embracing all of this I have a wishlist of innovations that I would like to see and am sure that are possible (or will be soon).

-Trout have far too many small bones and many cooks don't get them out. When you eat trout it is like waiting for that little jab. Why not just have a boneless trout or a trout that has bones that sort of melt when cooked. Animals could be the Gary Larson variety but may need a little propping up.

-I have had far too many meals of dry or tasteless meat. They should just design pre-marinated animals. You could have different flavor animals and let them cross breed for new flavors. What happens when a Asian Garlic Lamb breeds with a Rosemary Lemon Lamb? You could even have dairy animals that naturally produce dark chocolate or chai milk.

-The whole new science of neutraceuticals is great, but we are about to graduate to a new level. Barry Bonds new home run record is doomed to fall once players start eating foods that double your muscle mass in months with no side effects (at least until much later). I used to love Super Chicken (cartoon) as a kid so let's assume that this is from a chicken.

-You could have Asparagus that have Viagra like qualities. Not only kids should eat their veggies. How about the new Smiley Fruit? It is like a triple dose of anti-depressant with the added benefit of keeping you regular.

-My favorite would be memory peppers. I love chiles and have a poor memory. What is more memorable than a really hot chile? It's good for you too.

If you have some items you would like to see, let me know and maybe we can get the science community to help us out.

Up Up & Away

2007-08-06T09:52:00.000-07:00

Went hot air ballooning for the first time. It was not at all what I expected. You feel like you are hanging from a string, but it is really still. You move slowly (at least with the breeze we had) so you don't feel like you are going anywhere. The veiw is beautiful and it is a great perspective on the world. I do highly recommend it.

There were some surprises on the trip over Winters, California. First it is not cold up there, but fairly warm. This is partly because of the really hot propane burners that keep the balloon aloft. Second, it is only quiet, when the really loud burner is not roaring along. Thirdly there is a guy just south of winters who should close his curtains when changing clothes and a woman with a tatoo of a rose on her left hip who should definitely keep the curtains open.

Also, people should not spit out of hot air balloons. It is potentially hazardous for the people below.

Do You Eat Good Looks?

2007-08-06T06:01:00.000-07:00

Another &#%*@ birthday just passed. I liked being 18 and think that I will enjoy being 19 again. At the party we had extra choclatey chocolate cake. It was one of those cakes that looked okay. It had stars, way too many candles, and sort of blocky look to it. If I had to guess how it would taste, I would have said good. I should say that I think all chocolate cake tastes at least okay and 99% taste good.

After enlisting several turbines and blowing out the many many candles, we got down to the eating of the cake. Wow! This cake was so moist. It had a good balance between sweetness and chocolate flavor. It was more milk chocolate tasting, which is fine with me. Overall this was an excellent tasting cake.

It got me thinking that this was a cake that tasted better than it looked. How many times have you had food that looked better than it tastedor the reverse? It happens. Some people are better or more focused on either the flavor or the presentation. The question for me is what is the interelation. I know from my professional and personal experience and from studies I have seen that food that looks better is perceived as tasting better (than the same food presented less attractively). I do wonder if there is a study showing how much this is true or not true. If you take a terrible tasting dish and present it in a beautiful high brow manner and tell people it is an exotic indulgence from some exotic foreign land, could it then be perceived as an acquired taste and eventually perceived as delicious? How much of taste is context or expectation based? To what degree can we acquire a taste and how much can our tastes change or be changed? I don't know the answers, but if you have seen any studies on this, please let me know. I will just get ready to turn 20 again in a year.

Insanity Stories - Sometimes you just can't help yourself

2007-07-27T20:09:00.001-07:00

Who are we to make fun of moths and flames? We people are funny. Sometimes you can see the train coming at you, but you just can't make yourself stop. For me I see the chocolate coming at my mouth, but I can't stop it. I thought that jumping off that bridge might have been a bad idea, but didn't realize it until my foot was broken in four places.

Over the years I have seen this principal played out with so many Insanity Sauce customers. They know that they are probably eating too much of the sauce and they know that it probably will hurt, but until their eyes start watering and that train of pain hits them, it doesn't hit home. I have heard stories of people putting super hot sauce in many varying amounts in many different parts of their bodies and that of others. In many cases this resulted in much more than they would have wanted. Strangely few people seem to regret the experience, but see it as an adventure. It is maybe the most inexpensive and accessible adventure you can have.

For those that didn't want to burn themselves and their buddies were either too savvy or scared, I have heard many stories of animals learning their lessons. If you have a story involving one of our super hot sauces, please write.

Fancy Food Show

2007-07-13T19:55:00.000-07:00

I just got back from the Fancy Food Show in New York. The show once again reinforced that if you eat odd combinations of the world's best cheeses, chocolate, cookies, oil, condiments, etc., it will make you feel sick. From my prespective I tend to stay in my booth and only snack from my neighbors. I think that I must have eaten 100 cookies from one neighbor. If there is a cookie diet out there, I just tried it.

I really love that show. Not just because of seeing friends, the great innovative spirit there, and the fantastic food at the show, but because I love New York. Where else can you walk down the street and on one block see a Indonesian, Mexican, Italian, Japanese, Turkish, and continental U.S. restaurants (just on one side of the street). Not only is there variety, but the quality of the food is great and there is such a sense of energy. People are rushing everywhere.

What is interesting about this year's trip is that not all the retail trends seem to mirror the restaurant trends. At retail you are seeing nutraceutical, organic, upscaled basic foods, single source foods, etc. In foodservice you are not seeing so much of these. Of course you see many trends in both channels healthier eating, more Asian cuisines, more convenience based eating, more bittersweet chocolate, more specialty cheese, etc. Some potential trends you read about, but seem to be just getting started like African cuisine, Vegan food, regional Indian cuisine, etc.

That is my two cents. If anyone else was there or has questions, please feel free to comment.

How Local Should You Buy

2007-07-13T18:31:00.000-07:00

It is interesting to see that food movements seem to come in waves. Now that organic is really sinking in and is changing and being adopted by larger organizations, it is getting criticism for some factory farm practices. People recognize that organic is better for not poisoning the land, workers, and consumers with pesticides and chemical fertilizers. Organic also tends to use more small farms and more local farms, but these last two items have changed some. This is the source of newfound criticism and has helped to fuel an increasing powerful local foods movement.

One of the main reasons for this movement is the premise that moving foods long distances is petroleum intense and not good for the environment. I thought that I would take a look at one part of this. If you take a 40 foot container of some food item and need to get it to your local distributor in Louisville, KY, how much fuel would it use?

Shipping From Distance Fuel Used

Latin America 2400 miles 110 gallons (includes both land and water)

California 1700 miles 212 gallons

Virginia 350 miles 34 gallons

Really this boils down to the fact that container ships carry 5800 containers or more so you can get 50 miles per gallon per container, whereas container trucks only get 8 miles per gallon. This is all a simplification, but is interesting. This whole local lifestyle requires that you eat seasonally so that local farms can supply what you want and that farms diversify enough where multiple items can be supplied by local farms. The same factors that drive other parts of the economy, get big and mechanized or go offshore, seem to drive agriculture. To really eat local fresh organic healthy food takes effort and a willingness to spend more.

Also, note that there are other factors to eating local, but I don't have time to go into that because it is my daughter's birthday and I must run.

Inspired Ash

2007-06-21T14:58:00.001-07:00

I just had a great lunch with my friend Ash. He is a great guy. One of his best traits is his passion, especially his passion for food. Although he spends much of his time as an incredibly successful business owner (financial company and high tech company), he actually is also a restaurant owner. I believe that he is on his fourth restaurant. This one is a fantastic Indian restaurant called Roti Indian Bistro (http://www.rotibistro.com/). Ash is actually a trained Chef.

What is really interesting is how he talks about food. He has that emphatic voice with this great zeal. His face gets animated. There is love there. Now, it is great to hear people that are passionate about almost anything. Food, however, is one of my great pleasures. To hear someone talk about the intersection of two flavors or the lusciousness of a certain fruit or how the texture of a dessert is on your tongue is really inspiring.

I guess this is the difference between a foodie and a non-foodie. It is one of those great universal truths. Whether it is a chicken wing lover who works in a bank in Albany or a goat cheese afficionado who teaches at a University, some people just love food. Those are my kind of people. I never really understand the people that just eat to survive. Don't they get that great rush from spicy food or that moment of ecstasy from good chocolate. Just thinking about good cheese or really tasty fruit or perfectly roasted chicken makes me pause.

I don't know about other foodies, but I spend much of my time thinking about what my next meal or two will be. Gotta run, I need to plan restaurants in New York later this week.

Chuck Williams was Right

2007-06-21T14:57:00.000-07:00

A few years ago, before writing my cookbook, I had lunch with Chuck Williams. He is the founder of Williams-Sonoma and a really nice guy. I asked him advice on writing a cookbook. He said to make sure that you have really nice pictures.

I'm a little slow and just realized the other day that I did not follow his advice. When I think about cookbooks that I buy and really like, many of them tend to have nice pictures. It is great to see the outcome before you make an item. Pictures do that and so much more for a book.

When I wrote my cookbook, Crazy from the Heat, I was more focused on having great tasting, easy to make recipes and funny offbeat text. Pictures weren't a big part of the plan. As the book started taking shape and I looked at it, I did think that it would be more attractive with pictures. I went to the publisher and offered to cut my royalty to get pictures in the book. The answer was no.

Looking back now Chuck Williams was right. I should have fought for those pictures. My book is still funny and has delicious recipes, but probably would have sold a few thousand more copies with eye catching pictures. Mea culpa.

Why Don't I Crave Veggies?

2007-06-19T08:25:00.001-07:00

I have never been an addict until now. Each morning I crave diet coke. Most afternoons I crave cookies, chocolate or some salty snack. Last night I left work just to buy and power down a box of Crackers Jacks and a bag of bbq potato chips. You would think that the human body being supposedly self regulating would crave items that are good for it.

When was the last time that you were just dying for some spinach or zucchini? I never crave veggies. I like salads, stir fries, steamed veggies and many other vegetable preparations. I recognize that vegetables are cholesterol free, full of nutrients, generally low carb (not including potato types), trans fat free, low in fat, and low in calories. In fact, vegetables are probably the best foods to eat for a long healthy life.

Understanding all of this, why don't I yearn for yellow peppers or covet cucumbers or lust after legumes? I asked several people I know and I found that some people do have veggie cravings and some do not. Even a vegetarian that I asked said that her desire for sweets was stronger than her pull toward veggies.

Scientists don't seem to agree on cravings. Some say it is the body's way of getting nutrients that it lacks. This is interesting since some days I can eat 2500 calories (more than my body needs) and I still crave another 1000 calories of ice cream. Some scientists would say that I was trained to view certain foods as comfort foods and now reach for them to combat stress or because of opiates. Maybe Some people believe that big industry puts crap in the food that is pseudo addictive and that is why I crave. Maybe From my experience with the food industry I wouldn't put it past them. In the end I just don't know why I do crave what I do and why I don't crave veggies.

Do you have an explanation? What do you crave?

Roach Coach Economics

2007-06-19T08:10:00.000-07:00

If you work in a warehouse or factory, each morning you hear a familiar sound. It is the roach coach. That is the food truck that comes around each day. Many of us react like Pavlov's dog when we hear the sound. Our mouths water and we run out to get breakfast, a snack, or lunch. Although the guy who owns/drives our truck is great, that is not why we buy from him. It is also not because the food is really nutritious because it is generally not. I don't buy the food because it is a collection of fantastic gourmet items, but they are tasty enough in a high sodium, high sugar, high carb, trans fat kind of way. We buy because the food is tasty, inexpensive, and really convenient. The truck drives right up to our building and we can buy a donut, soda, bag of chips, PBJ (my favorite) or burrito for $1 to $2.

Want a salad or fruit try $4. That is not an outrageous price, but the Roach Coach will tell you the story of why most people eat unhealthy food. It generally costs half as much and is more convenient (finger food). Add some real sweet or salty or caffeine like affects and most people are hooked.

Despite the name I have never seen any roaches. An entemologist once told me that the #1 cause of death for roaches was dehydration because they have a high surface area to body mass ratio.

Crawfish Boil is a Success

2007-06-11T14:32:00.000-07:00

Two days ago was the big crawfish boil at my place. Here are the lessons that I learned.

-Eighty pounds of crawfish was way too much for my friends.

-People prefer the flavor of my pan fried catfish to my spiced mud bugs.

-Kids really love playing with live crawfish more than eating the dead ones.

-Crawfish are hard to overcook.

-People fall into several groups when it comes to shellfish: love it, allergic, don't like to get hands messy or too fishy, and like it already out of shell.

-There is not just one kind of drink that goes with a Crawfish boil (included beer, wine, cosmopolitans, fruit juice, and soda).

-Some one year olds do love crawfish.

-Throw away the crawfish trash in your neighbor's trash. It is better if it is a neighbor down the street. It really stinks.

-Now the task is to figure out how many ways to use crawfish meat: gumbo, etoufee, etc. Maybe I can borrow from Thanksgiving: crawfish tetrazini, crawfish meatballs, crawfish salad, crawfish sandwich, etc. Can you make crawfish jerky?

Chile Pepper Training Program

2007-05-29T14:23:00.000-07:00

It is one of those ironies of life that a guy who produces hot sauces (me) has three kids and none of them like spicy food. Now I am willing to let my 1 year old off the hook at least until she turns two. I see the potential in my seven year old girl, but she will need some training. My four year old boy is an interesting case. He is a kid who thinks that he likes spicy food, but doesn't actually eat it. I tested this observation a couple months ago at the store. My son insisted that he likes spicy food and wanted to buy a jalapeno. Not only did he want to buy it, but wanted to eat it at the store. After strongly cautioning him, I thought that might be a learning opportunity. His first bite came right back out and was paired with a pained expression.

Now one might think that he learned his lesson and that he is not ready for spicy food yet, but no. Yesterday at Trader Joe's my son insisted that he likes spicy food (sounds familiar) and that he had to have the spicy sushi. I thought that this must be another learning opportunity and bought it. Now before anyone calls Child Protective Services, read on. At home my son started eating one piece and immediately requested a drink. I noticed that he ate the rice around the outside, but not the spicy middle. I asked if he liked the sushi and he said that he did. A minute later he had eaten the middle of the first piece of sushi. Two minutes later he had eaten two complete pieces. Two minutes after that he had eaten the whole pack of sushi. My son is now a graduate. He has been initiated and will be welcomed to the junior core of Chileheads.

Does anyone out there have a recommended training regimen for bringing youngsters into the chile pepper world? I have always advocated incrementalism. Give them barley spicy, then slightly spicy, then kinda of spicy, then moderately spicy, etc. All of this would be over a few months or years. What I did find out from my son is that incrementalism is not nearly as entertaining and kids really vary and are often hard to predict.

Too many Tomatoes?

2007-05-29T12:35:00.000-07:00

It is interesting to hear comments about modern grocery stores and the amazing variety that they represent. Compared to what has gone before, it is true that there are many choices of items. It is also true that this is the tip of the iceberg (lettuce that is). There are 3,000 to 4,000 types of tomatoes and incredible numbers of other fruits, herbs, vegetables and many other items. This does not include the amazing number of processed foods.

The question is that once you get past the dozen or so types of chiles, tomatoes, etc. with which we are all familiar or that are popular in some major region of the world, what happens to the rest. Are these all just some cultivar that 10 people on an experimental farm have tried or that live only in a seed bank. Maybe these are just a piece of fiction and they don't really exist. After all, who has really seen all of these varieties.

I am in the business of working with heirloom tomatoes and doubt that I have seen more than 150 to 200 varieties of tomatoes. I am not sure that I have even tasted 100 varieties of chiles.

I truly believe that if people could taste all of these, many would. That would be great if you could taste thousands of tomatoes and tell the suppliers that your favorite is Green Zebra and then your local store carried that tomato. This seems unlikely to happen any time soon. Logistically I can't figure out how this could happen, but technology and innovation have solved many other problems. If this whole subject interests you, check out the book The Long Tail. Since you are not choosing your chiles and there are chiles (and other items) at the store, how are these items getting selected?

Are there culinary experts and tasting panels out there finding the most delicious foods for you? No, that is not happening. Are the beneficial suppliers of the world getting together and figuring out which items are the tastiest? Maybe not this one either. Are the suppliers figuring out which products they can sell at the highest profit that will also help grow the market for them? Getting close. Is this dictated to them partly by the seed suppliers and suppliers of other inputs, partly by the media, partly by the distributors and retailers and partly by focus groups? This sounds like the reality I know. The retailers and distributors lay out their basic requirements to have a little bit of variety. The growers then focus on which tomatoes can be machine harvested and transported without much loss and meet the requirements.

Is all of this shaped by some basic biases? Yes and the main bias is only innovate/change as much as you have to. Why would the big suppliers go out and really take big risks? They already are making a fortune. They can let little suppliers take the big risks. If a little supplier does well, they can buy the company or squash them with their big budget and control of the distribution channel.

Of course there are well intentioned suppliers out there who really are looking out for consumers and care deeply about flavor. One such person is a guy I know named Gary Ibsen. He grows over 500 heirloom tomato varieties and his main goal is to keep these great varieties alive for people to enjoy. You can find him at www.tomatofest.com

Where Will All the Cows Go?

2007-05-24T21:12:00.000-07:00

First I would like to welcome everyone to my blog and thank you for your time. I love food and am a definite omnivore. I like all six food groups: fruit, vegetables, meat, ice cream, hot sauce, and cookies. I have, however, been reading the book An Omnivore's Dilemma. This is a disturbing book. After reading it you will never look at the corn industry the same way again. Books like this combined with other observations of mine make me think that in 300 years people probably will not eat meat. I would become a vegetarian, if I did not like meat so much. That may make me weak because I certainly understand the reasons why vegetarianism makes so much sense.

The question is if people all became vegetarians, what would happen to the 100 million cows in the U.S.. Would they all wander around on government and open land? With approximately 1 cow for every three people would every family adopt a cow or two? Would we adopt the Indian model and let the cows wander where they please? Maybe we would have a big meat fest and eat 99 million of the cows and let the remaining one million live on special government land. This last idea would combine Euthanasia and Barbecue Sauce.

Another way to go with this could be to combine cows and genetic engineering. You could give cows just enough intelligence to perform routine tasks. They would cut lawns, pull weeds, carry items at construction sites, and many other tasks. Maybe Gary Larson's cartoons were actually foretelling of the future of smart animals: snakes that clean out pipes, monkeys that are chefs (ooh, hair in the food), lions that are security guards, etc.

I don't really know where this is leading, but sign me up for adopt a cow. The fresh milk and homemade butter and cheese sound good to me. I promise not to eat my cow.